Dead Letters
by A Song in the Dark
Summary: C8b Arthur and merlin come up with a plan to get around the whole marriage problem ...and some of them lived happily ever after...
1. Dear Arthur 1

Arthur,

I am standing at the window of your bedchamber, watching you ride off through the trees. The sunlight has just spilled over the hills, turning everything a buttery gold. Seeing all this beauty in a single moment makes me happy.

Yes, I am hurt, yes, I am angry, yes, I am heartbroken; but I'm still happy, wonderfully, gloriously happy. I am not angry at you because I know that however many women you take to your bed, the only person you'll really care about is me. I am hurt, but not because you are leaving with Lady Juliana, but because you wouldn't tell me yourself. And my heart broke when I first saw you kiss her; it shattered into tiny pieces and it only feels whole again when I can feel you next to me. So when you come home, my heart will be mended.

I know you are going to marry her, but I don't mind. I can only be happy when you are happy. And if she makes you happier than I ever will then I want you to go with her. That will make me happy.

But if you are happier with your goofy, clumsy, naïve manservant then come home, come back to me. I only want; have only ever wanted you to be the happiest you can be. If I never see you again I will know you made your choice and I will rejoice in the flames of our love, however small and fleeting it may have been.

I'll love you 'til the end,

_Merlin_

Merlin folded the sheet of paper over and put it in his pocket. The next day he climbed to the hill on the far edge of the horizon, the wind was so strong it flipped his hair over and grass flattened under its breath. Merlin kissed the corner of the paper, held it up as high as possible and, finger by finger, let go. The paper flapped about in the strong wind like a fish out of water, until it found a chunk of wind it likes and it floated off, into the dull greyness that surrounded him.

No-one would ever see it again. No-one would read it or touch it or feel the power of its words. It was a dead letter, the first of many.


	2. Dear Merlin 1

Dear Merlin,

I know you're not going to get this because I won't let you, I won't see you to give it to you anyway. But I have to tell someone. I can't keep it to myself any longer and you always said you would listen to me.

I hate it here. It's so lonely. It's so dank and dark; everything is grey because I can't see you and I want to see the colours again. Juliana was one of my friends from infancy and now my father has fobbed me off with marrying her because we get along. But I want more than that out of life. I want to love someone so strongly and so deeply that it hurts. I was beginning to feel that with you and I don't want that feeling to go away.

I wish you were here; I need to see your smile, to ruffle your hair and call you an idiot before my day is complete. Without you beside me I don't think I can do all the things I want to do with my life. Without you here I can't breathe.

Don't make me go on through life without seeing your face again. Please. Don't make me do it, we had something special; something magic. And I know it was more than just some summer fun; I know it was what I've been waiting for and I can't miss my chance. I can't let you go. Come and find me; the moment I say 'I do' will be a moment too late and I am dreading the day I chain myself forever to someone I do not love.

I'll wait for you until that moment; I hope and pray until that moment. Just remember that I love you and I always will.

_Arthur_

'Arthur' called Lady Juliana from the staircase of her great house. Arthur looked up quickly. He folded his letter over and over again until it was a tiny rectangle; then he opened it out and tore along all the creases before tossing them into the flames of his fire.

What Arthur didn't see was that none of the pieces burnt; they all got sucked up the chimney in the vacuum created by the fire. All the tiny pieces fluttered away on the breeze and into the night.

Arthur stood and left his chamber; taking Lady Juliana by the arm he let her glide down the stairs; she was the most beautiful lady he had ever seen, but swimming in both of her blue eyes was Merlin's face smiling up at him, and haunting him with every second.


	3. Dear Arthur2

Dear Arthur

It's been seven days but feels more like seven years. Each day feels so long; every waking moment is a trial and I'm struggling to keep in control.

I've got over the initial sadness that you have left; but now I can feel this anger dripping inside me, piling up, growing. This anger is getting stronger and stronger and I can feel it all of the time. I know people can read it on my face when I'm walking round the castle. It's so obvious to everybody but no one will do anything about it because the one who everybody can rely on to make sure I'm ok is gone. He rode out on a horse with a woman and I watched him leave my life forever.

Because you're not here there is nothing to stop me. My anger, this darkness in me is going to take over and I don't think I will be able to control myself. I don't want to lose everything that is me. I don't want to lose who I am because I am so angry and sad all of the time.

I know I have to get over this but it is so hard and I need some comfort and support. That is what you used to give to me; you made me the happy, cheerful young man I was becoming because I took the best of you. Now there is none of you to take so all the bad is riling up in me.

Please, I need your help. Your voice. Your arms round me. Don't leave me. Don't let me drown.

Yours, Merlin.

Merlin climbed to the highest tower in Camelot and let the wind take his second letter. He turned and scuttled down the stairs again. With each step his feet became heavier, faster and louder. When he reached the flat of the corridor he ran the length of it; not going to his own room but running to Arthur's. he ran straight into the door and pounded his fists into it. A roar of anger ripped through him as he forced the door open and slammed it behind him.

Once in Arthur's room; Merlin's vision went red. Everything was exactly where it was when Arthur had left. He knocked the jug of water to the floor, liquid splattering. His hands made fists of the curtains round Arthur bed as he ripped them from the frame and threw them to the ground.

Not enough.

Merlin picked up and threw down more and more of Arthur's possessions. He aimed them and the bed, the wardrobe, the walls and floor. Finally he aimed one and the open window and ran at it. His arms spread wide on walls, his body hanging out into nothing.

Still not enough. He had to through himself _out._

But he wasn't going to because that was the easy way out and he wanted to cause himself as much pain as possible. So he reined himself back in and let himself eat at his insides.

That would show Arthur.

That would show everybody.

That would show them.

Merlin was a force to be reckoned with.

He could cause chaos and pain and hurt and damage if he wanted to.

Yes, he was a force to be reckoned with.

* * *

**ok, next chapter, Arthur write to Uther. How could he do this to his one and only son? More angst to come! XD**


	4. Complications start

Father,

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to write but I know I have to write something. You think that my life is on a string, at your fingertips and you can control everything. I used to think that too, I used to believe it was my destiny to do exactly as you wanted. But there's one thing you cannot control, how I feel.

And now I realize that nothing else matters but how I feel, because nothing else is truly mine than what is going on inside my head. Even though I have peace of mind there are these little nagging thoughts in the back of my mind that keep coming to the surface; how could you do this to me? I am your only son and you have sent me away from you at the earliest convenience. You once told me that you had promised my mother to look after me and care for me until the day you died, you used to go hunting with me and talk to me at dinners and make enough time to look after me. Where's that man? That's the man I want as my father, not this uncaring, unfeeling empty shell that you have turned into.

I am in love, but not with Lady Juliana. I care about this person and I know they care about me in return; I miss my love more than I miss you and I want more than anything for us to be together again for one more day. One more day is all I need. If you would be so kind as to prepare my bedchamber I will be arriving in Camelot about a week after this letter arrives. I will stay for one night and then I will be gone and married within the week to the bride of your choosing. I have already confirmed this with my wife to be and she agrees that I could come home for a day before the wedding. Hoping to see you soon,

Arthur.

Arthur folded this paper and sealed the back with wax. He then rooted around for another, much smaller piece of parchment and began writing again; this time the writing was far more scrawled, almost illegible and rushed.

_Merlin,_

_I am coming home, we have one final day together, I don't want you to make any promises to me, don't think anything will come of it because I am home, in Camelot, for one day and then I am travelling back to be married. I just have to see you; I just pray that you are still there. I'll see you soon my darling, I must go. _

_Arthur_

Gaius walked into Merlin's room holding the scrap of paper in front of him. But Merlin was gone. There was another note on his bed, Gaius put down the note from Arthur and picked up the note from Merlin.

_Gaius,_

_I am so thankful for everything that you have done for me, I really appreciate it but I am not myself at the moment, I have lost all of my self control and I think that if I get away from everything for a week or so I can come back and keep fighting this darkness inside me. Please forgive me for deserting you but I had to get out of the never ending spiral. I'll be back._

_Merlin._

Gaius tucked the letter from Arthur under Merlin's pillow and hoped it wasn't anything important.


	5. Travellers return

Dear Juliana,

I suppose it has only just dawned on me that we are marrying in two weeks. Time seems to be slipping away from me; like trying to hold on to sand while it slowly trickles through your fingers without you noticing. I have this feeling, deep down. I need to visit Camelot one more time before marrying you. It feels too strange to think that when I return my father will have relinquished the throne and I will be the married king of Camelot. I cannot help thinking that I need to go home one more time before all of this happens. It will happen in such quick succession and I think I need to take in all of my memories of Camelot and life there before this venture began. Once we are married Camelot will not seem the same.

It will take me two days to get to Camelot and another two days to return, I will be back in less than a week. I am sorry that I have had to say all of this in a letter but you are out and if I don't go now I will not be back in time for the wedding.

Yours, Arthur.

Arthur had left yesterday and Juliana had spent nearly 24 hours looking at this small, rushed letter. She folded this note into her pocket, found her wrap and called for a carriage. She would follow Arthur to Camelot.

Arthur arrived that evening. He walked the familiar route to Merlin's chambers and knocked on the door excitedly. When Gaius answered, Arthur almost knocked him over in his rush to get to Merlin. But Merlin's chambers were empty, his bed hadn't been slept in and there was a thin layer of dust on the floor.

'He's been gone for three weeks Sire,' Gaius said from the table where he was mixing medicines. 'He's supposedly on his way back now, here,' Gaius took out a small piece of paper and handed it to Arthur.

_Gaius,_

_You were right, coming home has done me the world of good and I feel fresh and happy and fine. I can think about Arthur now without wanting to throw things (although some of the nearby trees have seen the brunt of my anger on a few occasions) and I think that I have finally learnt the art of self control. I will be on my way back to Camelot as of tomorrow. Tom was passing the city and said he would deliver this not for you. I am packing and looking forward to get back to my life in the castle._

_Yours, in haste_

_Merlin._

Arthur sighed.

'It came two days ago, he'll b here by tomorrow sire,' came Gaius' voice.

Arthur nodded and turned to leave. But as he walked towards the door, he saw a figure stood in its frame. Merlin.

'Merlin!' both Arthur and Gaius said together.

'Gaius!' Merlin shouted, running to hug the old man. 'I have missed you! But I'll talk to you in a little while,' he said quietly. He then turned to Arthur and nodded towards his bedroom door.

Once inside with the door locked Arthur sat down on Merlin's bed. 'Well Merlin, I have to say; I thought of you every day that I was gone but you still manage to look better than ever. It must have been all of that country air' he joked.

'What are you doing here Arthur?' Merlin asked calmly.

Arthur's smile faltered 'I…I came back to see you one last time before I am married.' He said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

'Yes but why?' Merlin asked 'Is this because you want to see me or because you don't want me to forget about you?'

'What do you mean? What are you talking about?'

'I am talking about the three weeks I have spent back at home building fences and herding cattle and nearly uprooting trees in anger. I went away to forget about you. I couldn't get your face out of my mind here, it was driving me mad. I went home to distract myself, to detach myself from it all. I was doing so well, I felt so good, and then I arrive back in Camelot and find you here'

'I…I'm sorry Merlin,' Arthur said quietly. 'I'll just go,' his hand was on the door handle when he felt Merlin rush up behind him and put his arms round him. He felt Merlin's lips on his neck, kissing the skin there.

'I didn't say I wasn't happy to see you,' he purred.


	6. Just an Evening

Arthur spun round in Merlin's arms and pressed his lips to Merlin's. They were soft; softer than Arthur remembered, and they were also eager. Merlin worked their lips open so he could feel the hot, sweet tang of Arthur's breath on the back of his throat. After what could have been seconds, minutes or hours, they pulled apart. Merlin dragged his teeth along Arthur's lower lip, making his pout more pronounced.

'I have missed you,' Merlin whispered.

'I have missed you,' Arthur echoed, 'I have also missed this,' he kissed Merlin with such power that Merlin was backed up against the wall and Arthur was flush against him.

Later that evening, Merlin and Arthur left Merlin's chambers, looking just as they had when they went in. The only thing different was that they both had ruffled hair from when the other had run his fingers through it.

Gaius had prepared a meal for them and the three men sat around the table, Merlin and Arthur on one side, Gaius on the other. Merlin and Arthur were sat so close that every time one of them lifted food to their mouth, the other was knocked slightly. But they refused to give an inch.

After dinner Merlin and Arthur were in his chambers, Arthur was watching Merlin tidy the room he had demolished several weeks ago. The tables was still in pieces, the hangings of Arthur's princely bed were torn and pooled on the floor like blood.

'Let's go for a walk,' Arthur said suddenly.

Merlin looked up and frowned slightly; 'Why?' he asked cautiously.

Arthur shrugged, 'We need a bit of fresh air? I like to look at the stars? I can't think of another excuse?' Merlin laughed.

'Sure, why not?' and they left. Merlin thought Arthur would want to get right away from the city and go into the fields like they used to. Wrong. Arthur had missed Camelot so much that he just wanted to wander down the streets, to see the houses, to smell the fumes of people cooking from each house. They held hands in the twilight and strolled from open streets to dark ally ways and back again.

'You know, I don't think I have ever been this happy.' Merlin said openly; he turned to look at Arthur only to find him staring right back at him.

'Seriously?' he asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow. 'You are the happiest you have ever been right now? In the street? In the dark? In the cold? In Camelot-'

'With you,' Merlin interrupted. 'I doubt I will ever be this happy again either,'

'I had no idea you felt like that,' Arthur said quietly. 'I hope you don't mind my saying that you don't look particularly happy at the moment,'

'I know I don't look happy but I am,' he said, smiling sweetly.

'You can stop with the angelic act Merlin. You are with me after all. I know everything about you, I think. I know you are not an angel,'

Merlin pulled a face and danced down the street, back to Camelot. 'Let's go to bed?' he suggested 'early night?'

'Sounds good to me,' Arthur winked and they sprinted back to Camelot.


	7. A nice surprise or a slap in the face?

The sound of the horses' hooves clattering on the stone cobbles echoed throughout the castle with some powerful brilliance. The wooden wheels of the carriage slipped through the cracks between each cobble made riding in the carriage an undesired occupation. Juliana noted all of this as the carriage jolted to a halt in the courtyard of Camelot castle. Improvements would have to be made once Arthur was King and she was his queen.

The footman swung the door open for her and offered a hand as she descended the steps of the carriage. With an ingratiating smile and a sweep of her robe, Juliana walked up the steps and into the main entrance hall. It was dark, not many people were about, but she could hear a lot of rowdy people in the great hall, King Uther's voice prominent among them.

A servant opened the door for her and she swept into the hall. Every eye turned to her as she entered. Juliana stood still, in the doorway, looking around for her betrothed. But no. She could see Uther, Morgana, Morgana's friends, Arthur's knights. But no Arthur.

As a matter of fact; Arthur was lying in bed, with Merlin fast asleep next to him.

'Oh! Juliana!' Morgana leapt out of her chair, caught her friend by the arm and steered her out of the room; muttering the whole time 'I thank the Lord that you arrived! I could not have remained in there for one more moment. I thought you might like to know that I have finished with your wedding gown,'

Juliana beamed 'Have you really? Oh, is it as beautiful as you said it would be?'

'More so,' Morgana smirked playfully.

'Once the dressmakers had finished with it I took it up to my room and transformed it. After all, you are marrying Arthur Pendragon (you must have the patience of a saint) so you need a grand gown,'

'Oh, thank you Morgana. You have no idea how grateful I am,'

By now, Morgana had steered her companion into her chambers. Gwen was just finishing making the bed.

'Here it is, taa daa,' Morgana presented the gown to Juliana who squealed and then sighed in delight.

The white gown had a gentle V neck, and flowing, ¾ sleeves. The skirt was sleek and shimmered like silk but it was made up of layers, the top of which slashed in a diagonal line down the front creating waves of movement when it caught the light. All along this edge going from left hip to right foot, Morgana (or more likely Gwen on Morgana's instruction) had sewn on the tiniest black and white pearls.

'Morgana it is beautiful!'

'There's more' Morgana produced a piece of cream ribbon bedecked in the same tiny pearls in both black and white. 'To tie round your neck' and a ring with a cream rose on it, embedded in the rose was another black pearl. 'I'm sure you know where that is to go,' she laughed.

'Morgana, all of this is so beautiful. I just want to put the dress on here, I don't want to take it back to our town to get married. It would be ruined on the journey.'

'Well, it doesn't have to go on the journey. You can get married here. Tomorrow night. Sunset.'

'That would be the most beautiful, most romantic thing in the world!' Juliana sighed.

There was a knock on Arthur's door. 'Hang on,' Arthur called, He rolled out of bed; Merlin rolled over, suddenly awake but still sleepy.

'Mmphh, who is it,' he mumbled through squinting eyes.

'Dunno yet do it, idiot,' he grinned. 'Get comfy and I'll be back in a minute,' he kissed Merlin on the forehead, pulled on some britches and Merlin's tunic by accident and answered the door.

Arthur only opened the door as far as needed for himself to get out,

That way, Merlin couldn't be seen in Arthur's bed.

'Morgana?' Arthur asked, once the door was closed.

'Arthur! You will be so happy at what I am going to tell you!' she squealed.

'Then are you going to tell me?' he sighed.

'You are getting married-'

'Yes, I already know that thank you,' he frowned.

'Tomorrow,'

Arthur froze, halfway through scratching his head. 'Pardon?'

'You and Juliana are getting married tomorrow, here at Sunset,'

'Oh,' was all he could say.

Morgana then stared to hurry away. 'I've got to go. There is so much to do.'

She left Arthur stranded on the corridor, still halfway through scratching his head and thinking 'Oh God! What am I going to do now?'


	8. Chapter 8a: final goodbye

Ok, i am doing an alternate ending. This is chapter 8a. There will be a chapter 8b and a chapter 9a but not 9b if that makes sense? I know that some of you won't like the ending of this but this is what I had planned to do. However, since some reviews have said that they want Arthur and Merlin togther, I will be doing another chapter for them.

As Arthur crept back into his room, Merlin was just where he had left him. 'What was that about?' Merlin asked, tired. He stretched his hands up and then flopped them back down on the covers. 'Come back to bed Arthur,'

Arthur, stunned, managed to find his way back to bed where he climbed in beside Merlin and kept re-reading the letter. Merlin snuggled up to Arthur's chest and moaned his pleasure. 'I got a letter,' he mumbled.

'What does it say?' Merlin asked, his eyes closed and purring like a kitten. 'Tell me, Arthur. What does it say?'

'It…it says I'm going to be married by sunset tomorrow,' he said reluctantly, as if by not saying it, it would somehow not be true.

'What?' Merlin asked, incredulously. 'How can you marry the woman? She isn't even in Camelot!'

'It seems that she arrived this evening' Arthur said, still staring at the sheet of paper.

'What are we going to do?' Merlin asked suddenly. He pushed himself up into something vaguely resembling a sitting position and violently shook his head to get himself thinking clearly. 'Are you just going to marry her? What will happen to me?' he asked, he was clearly upset.

'I'm not going to marry her. But everybody has to think I have.' Arthur sucked in a breath while he thought and thought and thought about what to do. 'Merlin, can you do me a favour?'

'Not if it involves moving from this bed,' he murmured.

'Tough' Arthur said shortly. 'I need you to go and have a look at the dress. And there are two things you have to remember, does it have a veil and does it look pretty?'

'Why do you need to know if it looks pretty?'

'Because I want to know if Morgana has done a good job' Arthur pulled a puppy dog face and Merlin melted.

'Fine, I'll go.' Merlin pulled himself out of the sheets. 'I hope you're not thinking of putting me in the dress,' he laughed. 'Because that would never work,' The door shut behind him.

'Crap' Arthur said to himself. Putting Merlin in the dress had been his exact idea. Arthur got out of bed and made it. He got changed and went down to see Gwen.

Arthur knocked on the door of Gwen's house and entered straight away. 'Who is it?' Gwen called from the back room.

'It's me,' Arthur said.

'Well who is me?' Gwen asked. Arthur could hear the scraping of a broom along the floor.

'Arthur' Arthur replied. He came around the corner and saw her sweeping away. 'I need to talk to you. If that's alright?'

'Of course,' Gwen said, propping the broom up against the wall and leading the way through to the kitchen where there were two chairs to sit on. 'What is it?'

'Well. I have to marry Juliana tomorrow-'

'Really! Congratulations! I hope I can come-'

'Gwen, that is not the point,'

'Oh, sorry,' Gwen said 'I got a bit carried away, what is the point?'

'The point is that I still love Merlin. I don't want to marry Juliana. Especially with Merlin right here. What can I do?'

'Pull out of the wedding? Or somehow make it so that you marry Merlin instead?'

'We were thinking about the second one but we weren't sure how to do it? Besides, if my Farther found he would kill me!'

Gwen sighed, 'Really Arthur?' she fiddled with a loose bit of hair. 'Really? You are about to be bound for life to a woman you do not love while abandoning the love of your life and you are worried about what Uther will think if you don't go through with it?' She looked incredulous 'Try and think about what your people will think if you do go through with it. Who would want a king who would marry someone they did not love because Daddy wanted them to?'

'Well the people don't have to know,' Arthur said, shiftily.

'I am the people. And I know. You have to stop the wedding.' She said seriously.

'What do you think I am trying to do?' Arthur shouted. 'I only found out about it ten minutes ago!' Arthur was on his feet, as was Gwen.

'Oh, come off it Arthur. You have been living with her for six months! Everybody knew there was going to be a wedding!'

'Yes. But as a distant, never quite real thing. Not what I am doing at sunset tomorrow afternoon!' Arthur pounded his fist on the table.

'Arthur. I have offered all the help I can. Now, if you stay here any longer I think we are going to rip each other's throats out.' She indicated the door. Arthur swallowed and left.

'Thank you, Guinevere. You have been very helpful,' he said quietly, as he left.

Arthur walked back up to the castle and back into his chambers. He sat on the bed, what was he going to do?

Merlin arrived back in Arthur's room. 'Well, the dress does have a veil. It is beautiful. It has a v-neck right down here' Merlin pointed out the spot in his own chest. 'And three quarter sleeves.'

'Shit' Arthur said angrily.

'What?' Merlin asked.

'It's going to sound stupid. But I thought that if she was completely covered up, veil, long sleeves, high neck. We could get you in the dress,'

Merlin laughed. 'Arthur, I don't sound a bit like her, I have arms with hair on them because I'm a man,' Arthur pulled a face. He had never thought of Merlin as a man before. 'And I wouldn't get into the dress'

'Merlin. You are slim, you could easily get in it. But is doesn't matter anyway because it shows too much flesh. Only a woman could get away with it from what you described.'

'So what are you going to do? What is your other plan?' Merlin asked nervously. There had to be another plan. There had to be another way out of it.

'What can I do?' Arthur asked 'What can I do Merlin? Please tell me? I can't do anything and neither can you.' He couldn't look Merlin in the eyes anymore. 'This is it. Tomorrow, we go our separate ways.'

'So. You're just going to give up?' Merlin asked in his defiant voice. 'You, Arthur Pendragon are giving up on me. On us,'

'Merlin we have no choice,' Arthur said, standing up and walking towards Merlin. Merlin took a step backwards. Away from Arthur.

'You have a choice Arthur. You can tell the king how you really feel. You can go up to Uther and tell him that you love me.'

'Merlin you don't understand-' Arthur began.

'I understand perfectly. You are too scared to admit it to anybody other than me.'

'Merlin. If I told Uther that I loved you, he would have you burned as a witch for putting a spell on me. It would do **no good'** he tried to reason with Merlin.

'Of course, there is no good in being honest,' Merlin said coldly.

'I was honest with Gaius. I was scared to tell him but I did. And my mother. But you can't tell one person.'

Arthur thought about saying that he had told Gwen but he knew Merlin would say that Gwen didn't count.

'You know what Arthur?' Arthur looked up from the floor. 'I don't need to stay here arguing all night. I love you so much and I can't bare this. Have a good marriage,' Merlin turned and left Arthur stood in his chambers alone and miserable.

The next day went by in a matter of minutes. First, he was getting dressed; the next minute he was having his lunch. And before it should have done, the sun was setting. Arthur looked out of the window and saw the sun staining the sky a thousand colours. On the hillside, in the distance, he saw a man with his hand held up to the sun.

Arthur didn't know that it was Merlin. Merlin had slipped out in the late afternoon, two hours before sunset and walked up the hill. He made sure that he was far enough away from Camelot so that he couldn't be recognised. Merlin held his hand out to the un and whispered. He dragged the sun down, closer to the horizon with his hand. He wanted this day to be over. He wanted Arthur to be gone, so he would never have to see him again. He had stayed away from Arthur all day. He had planned everything. He would bring the wedding forward by a few hours so he wouldn't have to wait too long; that was pulling the sun down. He would then go to Arthur and say his goodbyes. Arthur would be gone in two days and he wouldn't be back until Uther died and he became king. That would be a long time yet. Long enough for Merlin to have properly moved on at any rate.

The wedding would start in nearly an hour. Merlin was walking back to Camelot as fast as he could. His feet found their back to Arthur's room without him really looking where he was going. He walked through the door as if it were smoke, nothing could stand in his way now. Arthur was stood at the window, watching the sun going down and shedding a tear.

'Arthur?'

Arthur turned around. Merlin wanted Arthur to run into his arms but he didn't he just stood there, watching Merlin with an intensity that made in feel awkward.

'Arthur. I'm sorry,' Merlin said, honesty beaming through his eyes. Since Arthur wasn't going to do the running, Merlin was going to have to. He ran forward, Arthur opened his arms and enveloped Merlin in them. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry,' was all Merlin could manage to whisper.

'I know, I'm sorry too.' Arthur whispered back.

Merlin looked into Arthur's handsome face 'I love you' he said again.

'I love you too,' he replied. 'I won't be back until I have to be, when I become king. That could be a long time,' he said.

'But you will be fine, you will have a wife, and maybe a few children by then.' Merlin sniffed, unaware of the tears on his face. 'What will you name your first son?' he asked.

'Merlin,' Arthur replied in a split second. 'Wasn't that obvious?'

Merlin laughed.

'Merlin? Will you do me a favour?' Arthur asked 'Find somebody to love you. Somebody you can love too. And make sure that person will treat you better then I did,'

Up until this moment, that had been Merlin's plan. 'No. No. I'll wait for you. I'll still be here when you come back. And when you are king, you can have me. All of me.'

'But Merlin, that isn't fair on you,' he said.

'If I choose to wait for you then it is completely fair on me,' Merlin replied fiercely. 'I'll wait for you and I don't care if you don't want me. I'll still wait,'

'I love you so much you know,' Arthur breathed in Merlin's ear.

'Arthur?' came Morgana's voice from the passage. Merlin jumped away from Arthur just in time. 'Arthur. We are ready for you now. Merlin, you aren't in your clothes. I laid them out for you in your chambers.'

Merlin looked confused. 'M-m-my clothes?' he asked.

'Of course silly,' Morgana laughed. 'You are the best man' Merlin looked shocked.

'What?'

'What?' Arthur repeated.

'Merlin go and get changed quickly,' Morgana flashed.

'No, don't,' Arthur contradicted. 'Merlin. You will be fine just as you are,'

The three of them went down to the great hall where all of the guests were waiting for them. Arthur stood at the altar with Merlin beside him. But it felt like Merlin should have been on the other side of him, marrying him. As Juliana walked up the aisle, Merlin squeezed Arthur's hand gently. As soon as the service was over, he left for his chambers and didn't come out until three days after Arthur and Juliana had left as newly weds.

Arthur wanted the chance to say goodbye to Merlin. But he never got it.


	9. Chapter 8b I do

As Arthur crept back into his room, Merlin was just where he had left him. 'What was that about?' Merlin asked, tired. He stretched his hands up and then flopped them back down on the covers. 'Come back to bed Arthur,'

Arthur, stunned, managed to find his way back to bed where he climbed in beside Merlin and kept re-reading the letter. Merlin snuggled up to Arthur's chest and moaned his pleasure. 'I got a letter,' he mumbled.

'What does it say?' Merlin asked, his eyes closed and purring like a kitten. 'Tell me, Arthur. What does it say?'

'It…it says I'm going to be married by sunset tomorrow,' he said reluctantly, as if by not saying it, it would somehow not be true.

'What?' Merlin asked, incredulously. 'How can you marry the woman? She isn't even in Camelot!'

'It seems that she arrived this evening' Arthur said, still staring at the sheet of paper.

'What are we going to do?' Merlin asked suddenly. He pushed himself up into something vaguely resembling a sitting position and violently shook his head to get himself thinking clearly. 'Are you just going to marry her? What will happen to me?' he asked, he was clearly upset.

'I'm not going to marry her. But everybody has to think I have.' Arthur sucked in a breath while he thought and thought and thought about what to do. 'Merlin, can you do me a favour?'

'Not if it involves moving from this bed,' he murmured.

'Tough' Arthur said shortly. 'I need you to go and have a look at the dress. And there are two things you have to remember, does it have a veil and does it look pretty?'

'Why do you need to know if it looks pretty?'

'Because I want to know if Morgana has done a good job' Arthur pulled a puppy dog face and Merlin melted.

'Fine, I'll go.' Merlin pulled himself out of the sheets. 'I hope you're not thinking of putting me in the dress,' he laughed. 'Because that would never work,' The door shut behind him.

'Crap' Arthur said to himself. Putting Merlin in the dress had been his exact idea. Arthur got out of bed and made it. He got changed and went down to see Gwen.

Arthur knocked on the door of Gwen's house and entered straight away. 'Who is it?' Gwen called from the back room.

'It's me,' Arthur said.

'Well who is me?' Gwen asked. Arthur could hear the scraping of a broom along the floor.

'Arthur' Arthur replied. He came around the corner and saw her sweeping away. 'I need to talk to you. If that's alright?'

'Of course,' Gwen said, propping the broom up against the wall and leading the way through to the kitchen where there were two chairs to sit on. 'What is it?'

'Well. I have to marry Juliana tomorrow-'

'Really! Congratulations! I hope I can come-'

'Gwen, that is not the point,'

'Oh, sorry,' Gwen said 'I got a bit carried away, what is the point?'

'The point is that I still love Merlin. I don't want to marry Juliana. Especially with Merlin right here. What can I do?'

'Pull out of the wedding? Or somehow make it so that you marry Merlin instead?'

'We were thinking about the second one but we weren't sure how to do it? Besides, if my Farther found he would kill me!'

Gwen sighed, 'Really Arthur?' she fiddled with a loose bit of hair. 'Really? You are about to be bound for life to a woman you do not love while abandoning the love of your life and you are worried about what Uther will think if you don't go through with it?' She looked incredulous 'Try and think about what your people will think if you do go through with it. Who would want a king who would marry someone they did not love because Daddy wanted them to?'

'Well the people don't have to know,' Arthur said, shiftily.

'I am the people. And I know. You have to stop the wedding.' She said seriously.

'What do you think I am trying to do?' Arthur shouted. 'I only found out about it ten minutes ago!' Arthur was on his feet, as was Gwen.

'Oh, come off it Arthur. You have been living with her for six months! Everybody knew there was going to be a wedding!'

'Yes. But as a distant, never quite real thing. Not what I am doing at sunset tomorrow afternoon!' Arthur pounded his fist on the table.

'Arthur. I have offered all the help I can. Now, if you stay here any longer I think we are going to rip each other's throats out.' She indicated the door. Arthur swallowed and left.

'Thank you, Guinevere. You have been very helpful,' he said quietly, as he left.

Arthur walked back up to the castle and back into his chambers. He sat on the bed, what was he going to do?

Merlin arrived back in Arthur's room. 'Well, the dress does have a veil. It is beautiful. It has a v-neck right down here' Merlin pointed out the spot in his own chest. 'And three quarter sleeves.'

'Shit' Arthur said angrily.

'What?' Merlin asked.

'It's going to sound stupid. But I thought that if she was completely covered up, veil, long sleeves, high neck. We could get you in the dress,'

Merlin laughed. 'Arthur, I don't sound a bit like her, I have arms with hair on them because I'm a man,' Arthur pulled a face. He had never thought of Merlin as a man before. 'And I wouldn't get into the dress'

'Merlin. You are slim, you could easily get in it. But is doesn't matter anyway because it shows too much flesh. Only a woman could get away with it from what you described.'

Merlin's brain was ticking over an idea. The only problem would be that it meant admitting it Arthur that he was a warlock.

'I've got to go. I'll be back later tonight so leave your door open. I want to talk to you,' he said, looking distracted. He moved forward and gave Arthur a deep, throaty kiss before stumbling out of the door.

Merlin sat in his room with his magic book, flicking through page after page of spells, incantations and potions. 'Come on, where is it? I know it's in here somewhere…' Merlin muttered to himself. Finally, at the very back of the book was the spell he was looking for. He skimmed through it to check it did everything he needed. Yes, everything was there. He now had to learn the spell. It was at the very back of the book so it was going to be difficult. There was no way for him to practise it on anybody else.

The only thing for it was to put the spell on himself to see if it worked. It took him over an hour of reciting the spell again and again to get it right. He went over to the looking glass above the wash bowl and looked at himself. He didn't look at his face or his hair or anything. He just looked into his eyes and he knew he had got it right. Now he had to reverse the spell. That also took a long time. If you didn't get the rhythm of each word and the spell as a whole just right, it wouldn't work. Merlin was beginning to get annoyed when, finally, he got it right and he was ready to go back to Arthur. He took the rucksack from under his bed and slipped the book into it; he couldn't risk a guard seeing the book as he carried it to Arthur's chambers.

It had become dark since Merlin had left Arthur's chambers. When he got back in there, the candles were lit, the fire burning and the windows shut. He knocked on the door. Arthur stood up inside and called 'Come in,'

Merlin came in and shut the door quietly behind him. 'Arthur, I may have a solution,' Merlin whispered.

'Come here,' Arthur said in a voice as quiet as Merlin's. Merlin walked forward uncertainly and was taken completely by surprise as Arthur picked him up like he was the bride and carried him to the bed. He gently laid Merlin down and lay on top of him.

'Arthur, what is this about?' Merlin asked. 'Not that I mind being under you like this but…is this really the right time?'

'I'm not going to do anything like that,' Arthur said matter-of-factly. 'but it's only just dawned on me that I might lose you tomorrow. I want to be close to you,' he kissed Merlin's lips and then rested his head on the mattress. Merlin put his arm round Arthur's hair and played with his hair.

'Well, you are lucky I have an idea then aren't you?' Merlin murmured into Arthur's shoulder.

'Tell me then?'

'Mmnph. Can't we just stay here for a bit, together?' he asked, making puppy dog eyes at Arthur.

'No.' Arthur replied curtly. 'You can come back to be with me once I know this idea of yours.' He made this seem final, there was no other choice. Merlin sat up and took Arthur's hand in his.

'Arthur, this is important so you have to listen and promise me you won't interrupt until I have finished.'

Arthur nodded 'of course I won't interrup-'

'You just did,' Merlin pointed out.

'Oh. Sorry,'

'And again.'

Arthur went to apologise again but Merlin cut him off 'No. Don't interrupt again.' This was going to be so difficult. He had no idea how to word it at all, how do you tell someone something this big? 'Arthur. I am a warlock. I've…I've had magic in me since I was a child, but I could never control it. I would fell trees with the blink of an eye. I would sigh and the fire would go out. I would cry and it would rain.' Arthur was frowning. He got up and moved over to the door. Merlin's heart began to race; was Arthur going to throw him out already? Was Arthur truly just like his father? No. He opened the door, looked left and right, then closed it again. 'What was that for?'

'Just checking there was nobody there,' he said blankly 'I don't want them to hear this.' He got back on the bed but a bit further away from Merlin then before. He kept his eyes on the hard stone floor. 'Carry on' it was an order.

'Everybody sort of knew, they had an idea but they would never voice it out loud. Will knew. Do you remember Will?' Arthur nodded. 'I couldn't keep it from him. I grew up with him. He was there most of the time when it happened when I was younger. And then, as I grew older and became a teenager, I would fell trees for fun. I would use magic for pranks. We thought it was hilarious. But people began to get more then an idea about me. It wasn't safe for me to be there anymore. A village has so few people that everybody knows everybody. I would be far safer in a city where I could be anonymous. So my mother packed my things and sent me to Gaius, to Camelot, to you.

'But it doesn't matter about my past. The only thing you need to know is that I have magic. And it is magic that is going to help us.' Merlin jumped to his feet.

He looked at Arthur, still staring at the floor, anger in his face. 'You mean to say that you are a warlock, you possess the one thing in the world that my father hates and you kept that from me,'

Merlin was upset now, Arthur was angry at him because of who he was. 'It was so dangerous. Can't you see that? If anyone had known anything I would have been on the chopping block like that man I saw. The first thing I saw in this city was an execution of someone like me. After that did you really expect me to tell the King's son?'

'Not then.' Arthur shook his head 'But at some point. We have loved each other for nearly a year now. We have shared a bed. I have told you everything about me. But you failed to mention one very important detail about you,'

'I'm sorry. But Arthur I am telling you now.'

'Only because you had to. Only because there was no other way.'

Merlin took a breath 'There was another way.' He said calmly. His calm took all of the anger out of Arthur.

'What?'

'There was another way. I could have kept quiet about my magic. I could have let you marry that woman. That's what anybody else would have done. But I trusted you enough to come here and tell you everything. I loved you enough to risk my own neck to keep us together,'

'I feel like a fool-'

'Listen to me Arthur. If you want nothing more to do with me I will respect that decision. I will walk out of this room and never see you again. But if you still love me in the way I love you, listen to my plan and help me get you out of this situation.'

Arthur was silent. Waiting.

'Now. Wait here.' Merlin pulled the large, heavy book out of his bag and went behind the curtains.

Arthur heard Merlin whisper something in another language. A moment of silence was followed by a very un-Merlin like giggle. 'It's worked,' came the voice from behind the curtains.

'What's worked?' Arthur called.

'The spell,' Merlin replied. He stepped out from behind the curtain and Arthur gasped. Merlin was stood in the middle of the room, still in Merlin's clothes but he, or should it be she, wore them very differently. The tunic was less baggy because Merlin's breasts filled it. The trousers didn't hand like sacks because hips gave them shape. The neckerchief was lost under voluminous, dark, curly hair down to her elbows. But it was still the same face, the same cheekbones, the same eyes and nose and mouth. However, on the old Merlin, the features had looked like some lucky accident that made him look unique and striking. On the new Merlin, the girl Merlin, they looked stunning.

'Merlin?' Arthur asked, nervous.

'Yes,' Merlin replied in a girls voice.

'Oh my god!' Arthur replied, breathless.

'Shocked?'

'Just a little,' he replied.

'I'll change back now,' Merlin replied. He went behind the screen and muttered a different spell. When he returned, he was Merlin again. 'That has to be the strangest sensation of my life,' Merlin announced, before coming as close to Arthur as humanly possible and then closer still. He knotted himself in Arthur, tying up all their arms and legs until they were one, heaving, sighing, naked mass on the floor. When they finished, Merlin pulled himself onto Arthur's bed and laid back. Arthur lay next to him and they slept soundly until the sun was high in the sky.

When Arthur woke, he blinked for a moment, the sun was bright in his face and… and there was no Merlin next to him. Suddenly he heard a stumbling from behind the screen he usually changed behind.

'Merlin?' he asked, standing up.

Merlin's voice called back 'Don't come round the screen. I'm getting changed.'

'Merlin. I've seen it all before. Arthur took a step closer. 'I've seen every part of you, I love every part of you,'

Merlin's head popped out from behind the screen. 'You are not to see me today. It's unlucky to see the bride before the service,' he grinned, sliding back behind the screen.

'I can't even have a good morning kiss?' Arthur asked, sulkily.

'No.' Merlin said shortly. 'Besides, it is one o'clock in the afternoon. It's hardly the morning!'

Arthur sat back on the bed, 'So how are we going to work this?' he said to the room at large.

'Well, I thought that I would just go along to Juliana's room, and…and…' he trailed off.

'You have no idea.'

'Pretty much. What are we going to do?' he asked desperately.

'Can I see you know? After all, you aren't really a bride, you are a husband,' he called.

'Fine' Merlin replied and he appeared. He sat on Arthur's lap and kissed his neck for a while before deciding on a plan.

Later that day, Merlin slipped into Juliana's room, cleared his throat and waited. 'Yes?' she asked, haughtily.

'Lady Juliana, we have just received word that your father is gravely ill and is asking for you,'

'What?' she shouted.

'We have just received word tha-'

'I know what you said! I must go to him,' she was talking to herself now. 'I need to speak to Arthur,'

'He's outside,' Merlin said meekly. He stepped to the side and opened the door.

'Juliana,' Arthur said sadly.

'Arthur. I have to. I have to leave for my father' she said, breathless.

'I know,' Arthur said, quietly but deeply. 'I have a carriage prepared for you now.'

'Come with me,' she pleaded.

Merlin's heart kicked up a gear. They hadn't thought of this!

'I can't. My father is so happy to see me back. I can't leave him now, it could make him, his hopes are set on my staying for a week.'

'Then I will go alone.' She decided. 'But if I am not back in two days you are to come to me,' she said seriously.

'Fine. Just go now.'

'I have clothes and everything I need at Father's.' she said to herself as she walked out of the door. Arthur took her out to the courtyard. Merlin watched from the window. Arthur helped her into the carriage, kissed her hand and then the carriage was on its way. It was swift, nobody saw it except Merlin.

Arthur stood at the end of the aisle, nervously. He took shaking breaths. Uther stood beside him, as best man. 'It is fine Son. You will be brilliant.' Arthur forced a smile and tapped his fingers on his knees.

Suddenly, the doors opened, the music started and the love of Arthur's life came sweeping down the aisle. Merlin's long hair was piled high on his head because it was a different colour to Juliana's. Merlin took Arthur's hands at the end of the aisle and looked up into Arthur's face. He was dumbfounded by the stunning woman in front of him. Arthur could see Merlin's beautiful smile through the veil.

'I do,' they both said before walking back down the aisle.

There was a feast, during which Merlin didn't take off his veil and therefore didn't eat anything. After the eating, it was time for the first dance. Arthur and Merlin took to the floor to the sound of applause. Arthur's hand slid down to Merlin's waist, and he took her delicate fingers in his other hand. They danced very close together, Merlin's head on Arthur's shoulder. After the dance, there was nothing else to do than for Merlin and Arthur to bid their guests good night and disappear.

Back in Arthur's chambers, they kissed and clung to each other in the darkness. The threat of the past day of losing each other had been too much for them and this was the first moment that they could be alone together. Arthur lifted Merlin's veil and kissed her lips.

Two days later, Arthur and Merlin his wife left Camelot in the early hours of the morning to begin their married life. That afternoon, Juliana arrived back in Camelot, very angry. Her father wasn't ill and their wedding had been postponed. Once she heard that Arthur had married someone they all thought was Juliana and the couple had now left, she was furious. But there was nothing she could do. They had left on horses, not in a carriage so they could be anywhere.

Anywhere is exactly were Arthur and Merlin intended to go. Anywhere and everywhere. The world was theirs for the taking; anything was possible. And as long as Merlin knew that Arthur loved him, and Arthur knew the same, they would live happily ever after.

Dear Arthur.

I don't know where you are. You married someone else and left. You sent me away. I thought you loved me? I thought you wanted us to be together? I am humiliated, embarrassed and above all, lonely. Uther is furious and says that he never wants to see your face again. If I were you, I would stay away from Camelot until you are king. And I would stay away from me forever, for I shall never forgive you.

Juliana


End file.
